The station was very busy and noisy. There were lots of people and lots of trains. It was really good to watch.
At half past five the station is roaring. Trains squeal into the platform, doors sigh open, and a river of people pours up the stairs, every one of them in a hurry. In the middle of it all, a busker plays the same three cheerful notes on a trumpet.
I was riding my bike up the hill. It was very steep. My legs were tired. I kept going. I got to the top. I was happy.
The hill was steeper than it looked from the bottom, and halfway up my legs started arguing with me. Stop. Keep going. Stop. I stood on the pedals, counted every letterbox, and then, all of a sudden, there was nothing left to climb.
The house was as quiet as a mouse. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Everyone was asleep and it was completely silent.
The house was quiet in the way it only is at five in the morning. The fridge hummed to itself. The clock in the hall clicked its tongue at every second. Even the dog was asleep, one ear inside out, snoring softly through her nose.
第一版堆砌现成的说法（“quiet as a mouse”“hear a pin drop”），没有一处让人觉得真实。第二版留意到只有在寂静中才听得到的细微声音，还给冰箱和挂钟添了一点个性。用新鲜的画面代替陈词滥调（clichés），语言才有表现力。
孩子应该怎样做？
选合适的词，而不是最长的词。语言是西澳教育部（Department of Education）手册评分标准的最后一项，而“恰当”排在最前：结构清晰连贯；语气和声音有特色；语言恰当、有表现力、流畅。前面几项看题目和想法。
